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Know me like No One does.
20 most recent entries

Date:2012-03-01 08:46
Subject:back from the dead.
Mood: full

helloooooo. who is still on here and posting? me wonders...comment if you are and remember me.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-10-20 14:42
Subject:when things were good.
Mood: blah

So I just finished Swept Away. Yes, that Madonna movie. Because i've never seen it and always wanted to. even though i knew it would be bad. it's weird that guy ritchie can go from snatch and lock, stock to swept away. it's like, wtf? the movie was shot beautifully but the writing and the story is yuck. in fact, it's a really beautiful movie to watch if you just mute the sound. well except during montages because it's just music.

anyway, i was watching the special features and it's madonna and guy ritchie interviewing each other about the movie. and there's all this footage of their kids on set. really adorable stuff. madonna playing with her kids and feeding the baby. guy taking rocco and lourdes on a bike ride. and rocco smooching guy, which was sooooo cute! and then i realized, wait, they're getting a divorce and it made me sad. and it was kind of funny that i happen to watch this as the divorce is getting settled. and during the interview guy and madonna are being really cute together and asking silly questions and just goofing around. and one of madonna's questions to guy was, when did you realize that you were gonna love me for the rest of your life? and i thought, awww...they don't end up together forever. and they won't realize this until years into the future.

things at work suck right now.

(4 person is warm & toastypeople are warm & toastyLet's snuggle!)

Date:2008-10-12 14:53
Subject:token, you're black. you can play the bass.
Mood: tired

what is with all these craigslist people popping up on okc all of a sudden?

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-10-09 06:50
Subject:wife beater with the denim.
Mood: sleepy

so it's almost 7 am. and i know you're like, wow you stayed up late. because that's what i do. but actually i'm up early. waiting around for a subbing job to open up. forcing myself to actually work extra hours. i've been lazy with it. i keep missing those damn calls.

anyway, i had an interesting dream that i cleaned my room. like i actually cleaned it. i mean other weird stuff happened during the dream. it wasn't just me dreaming. that would be a boring dream. but it was probably the most productive dream i ever had. and now i'm kinda inspired to clean my room. the only thing is, in the dream, my room was bigger and i had like a wall of drawers of a variety of sizes so i was able to get all my odds and ends put away. it looked so pretty. and so clean. maybe i can utilize my closet space. my nose is starting to run at the thought of all that dust.

ughhh. i have to close 3 nights in a row this week. i'm missing so much tv. it's sad. tv makes me happy. i hate working nights. and with justin quitting, maybe i'll be able to work more days. or the worse may happen... closing for 5 nights in a row like that horrible horrible week at the cusp of july/august. i would really like to not do that again.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-09-12 13:31
Subject:your mama's so hood.
Mood: lonely

duude. stein mart is hardcore. everyone else is using just wood to board up their windows. but stein mart is using friggin' metal. like it looks cool. like, don't fuck with us hurricane.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-06-21 14:41
Subject:sticky sticky heat.
Mood: pleased

so a bunch of the plans changed.

fortunately, i did not have to get up at 5 to make my 7am appointment because someone cancelled and i got 10 am instead which is mucho better. and... surprisingly enough, it took less than 30 mins to get home and i was able to make the $5 showing of Get Smart. i couldn't believe i actually made it with houston traffic and it being far away. but i'm starting to see that places in the montrose/rice village area is really not that far. it just feels far because of the freeway.

i cancelled my breakfast date. kara has reminded me why it would not be good if we ended up dating. now i don't know how i'll avoid him. i hate to be a bitch, but i cannot go out with one more guy without a car. my last two boyfriends did not have cars and i had to drive them everywhere all the time. i would like to be picked up for once.

my friend ended up not coming into town, but my other friend did make it. so i'm free until the evening.

i'm not really excited about this weekend anymore but i'm super excited about my fabulous hair cut. I wish i had cut it a little shorter but still. it's awesome. i feel good. when i walked in the door, my mom goes, "Sex-ay!"


sometimes mom is cool.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-06-20 17:37
Subject:wtf. what is this?
Mood: good

so i'm in a weirdly good mood right now. it's really weird. because all this bad shit is happening but then all this good stuff is happening simultaneously so the bad shit is taking a backseat right now. so it's still there and happening but there's so much other good stuff happening?

i've been experiencing these very wild extremes. just low and high back and forth, unexpectantly. i wake up and have no idea how i'm going to be for the day. i'm going through a weird phase in my life where everything is very uncertain and unexpected. maybe it's just the month.

i have a hopefully good and jam packed weekend, mostly saturday ahead of me. i'm excited.

why is it that everyone has to come into town at the very same time?

so one crappy thing (of many) to happen is my good friend amanda moving to minneapolis very suddenly. like friday she was here and then, oh guess what work is transferring me on monday. like that's insane. so i have one less person to hang out with. but then both mitzi and another good friend are both in town at the very same time. and besides that, all this other stuff is happening, like random events and such. all on the same night. frick!

so tomorrow i have a super early hair appointment. i tracked down my hair stylist, thank god, who moved to a different salon. unlike commitments and dating, everyone, no exception, wants to have like a serious, long term commitment with their hair dresser. because once you find someone you know and trust and they know you and exactly what you like and looks good, you don't ever want to lose them. so hair tomorrow. then possibly a breakfast date that i don't really want to go on anymore now that other stuff in the plot has developed. and then dinner. and then a night out with mitzi, and hopefully other people.

and then i have this guy that i'm sort of seeing but not really anymore after finding out some interesting stuff that has happened. so he's going to be in town for business for the next four weeks. um yeah.

and then there's 4th of july.

then everyone will go back to their respective homes and things will get boring again and then all the bad shit will resurface.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-06-11 01:35
Subject:i don't even know you and you make me feel like i have to break up with you.
Mood: cranky

so i've given up on dating. i did consider becoming a lesbian because they just seem to have more fun and are more accepting and open minded. but then i really thought about it. and it'd just be the same shit except with vaginas.

you know... i've been thinking about it and guys really do have it easier when it comes to dating.

each guy is so different in what they are looking for. they seem so much more pickier. it's like i have to guess and come up with some crazy combination of attributes. they all seem to want girls who are fun, creative, funny, charming, quirky, interesting, ambitious, sexy, cute, tomboyish/sporty, smart, intelligent, sweet, cultured, well read, spontaneous, witty. it's frustrating.

friends tell me i should just be myself. yeah i know i should be myself. but i'm a freaking chameleon. a blank canvas. tell me who you want me to be and i'll be it, while still being myself. i'll just be a more enhanced version of myself. so i'll be crazy me, plus whatever funky trait you need for you to like me. i mean some of those traits i'll actually have to work at, like being well read and smart, etc.

then again, it's really a reflection of the other person. everyone i meet seems to bring out a different side of me. so if you bring out the crappy version of me, maybe it's because you suck and you're boring yourself so therefore i'm reacting to your boringness. or.. maybe i really am boring and you're reacting to my boringness so you're boring yourself. yeah okay, that theory sucks. forget that.

you know what else i hate? when a guy finds out a common interest he has with a girl and he gets excited and they bond over said interest. and i too also have that interest but since she brought it up first, it's like i don't count.

random girl: i have tickets to that Nadal match tomorrow.
guy: no way! that's so cool. i love tennis!
random girl: you're kidding! i love tennis too!
me: omg! me too!
guy: that's awesome. (guy ignores me, turns to random girl) anyway, i can't believe you also love tennis. who's your favorite player?


/end scene

seriously, guys have it easy. just make her laugh, tell her she's pretty, and give her chocolate.

yeah so i'm done. finito. it takes way too much time and effort.

also, another thing that is frustrating me. it takes me like 2 months to lose like 2 inches. and only 2 weeks to put it back on. grrr. wtf. i had an insane 2 weeks where i had a brutal work schedule so i didn't watch my weight and this is the punishment i get. it's like hey, congratulations on getting through 2 weeks of hell. and this is my reward? cut me some fucking slack world.

(4 person is warm & toastypeople are warm & toastyLet's snuggle!)

Date:2008-05-06 23:54
Subject:My nose bleeds when i get an erection.
Mood: hungry

ok so as promised, an update of what happened in the last few months. Including what happened to that guy who asked me out at work. A very brief summary. so it was friday and i thought, maybe he'll call on the weekend because he's busy during the week. but by the end of the night he hadn't called and i was at a bar. so i drank. and thought, fuck him. and then the very next day he came up to work. yeeah. so we went out. found out some interesting things. like he got two women pregnant at the same time. so his two sons are 2 months apart. and that he was moving to new mexico next week to get custody of his other son.


so that whole week that he didn't call, we could have been hanging out before he incidentally happen to be moving. i met his dad on the 2nd date. then i met his mom on the 3rd date. we watched casablanca. we had sex. it was awesome. but not sexy awesome, i want you so bad sex. it was like interesting, i've never done that position sex. so it was good discovery sex and totally opened my eyes and how inexperienced i am.

then he left. with an invite to come to new mexico for a visit.

so ends the luke chapter.

and begins the ian chapter.

so i met ian on okc. he is from austin. he actually came to houston to meet me, which i was surprised that someone would come all that way to see me. and the first date was mind blowingly awesome. we got long so well. i instantly felt comfortable with him. there was a great ease. no awkwardness. we could sit in silence and be perfectly happy just being in each other's presence and not have to fill silence with awkward words. we cuddled on the couch. he watched dancing with the stars with me. we had a lot in common. including the fact that we both like to dip things in any kind of sauce or broth or whatever. he was sooo funny. he really could make me laugh. we made out in his car during the rain and romantic music via jimmy eat world was playing. it was so sexy and romantic. everything fell into place. both my parents were out of town, i wasn't pmsing, i was off the whole week, he was off the whole week. like nothing happened to sabotage the date. he makes me so hot. yes, we had sex. how slutty am i. but it was totally not planned. we both didn't think it would get that far so it totally exceeded our expectations. we both get reminding each other no expectations. and he's sooo cute. blue blue eyes. short. good kisser. not a good romantic kisser, which is weird. he's a great makeout kisser and a good random, on the lips kisser. but when he tries to do a slow, romantic kiss, he loses something.

a few weeks later, i go up to austin to visit him. for some really weird reason, the second date wasn't nearly as fun as the first. he wasn't as funny and it was kind of blah. i still had a good time though. it just didn't feel the same. he brought me to some romantic spots and took me joyriding. i love that he drives stick. omg we played halo. it was awesome. i mean i really sucked and i killed him only 2, 3 times, but i still love playing. coffee kisses. lots of good awesome sex. i love that he's interested in all cultures and likes to explore them. he has dated so many different girls. persian, ethiopian, and not 1, but 2 lesbians. 2 lesbians! i joked that he had magical powers to get 2 lesbians curious enough to go straight temporarily. his friends say the same thing.

so the problems with ian... well, the distance. but it's only a 2 hr drive so it's not so bad. it makes casual dating easy, but not a relationship. he brings out all my insecurities for some reason. it really fucks me up. like i get intimidated sometimes by all the different women he's dated and some of them are so gorgeous. some are just average looking. and also his sexual experience. i like that he's more experienced than me and i dislike it at the same time. he's also one of those guys who is always in a relationship. he falls hard and fast. so he's trying this new thing where he's trying to remain single and date around, which i totally get and understand. i was all with the casual dating. but now, being with him, makes me want to be in a relationship. and i have no idea how he feels about me. sometimes he treats me like a friend and then sometimes he's all flirty and crap. i figured that maybe he's less inclined to keep seeing me because of the distance but then last night he was all, i wanna see you again soon. so i was like yay! because i was starting to get scared that we were getting into a friend zone.

also he had a date last night and it was horrible. ha! score one for me!

and now there's jonathan.

i know it sounds like i'm on a roll, but this is very uncharacteristic of me. i know you're blocking it out right now but i know some of you remember those 4 excruciating years of me complaining about being single and being depressed all the time. and really i got lucky with ian, because i actually met him online like 2 years ago and then he got off the site and deleted his profile. then he got back on and happened to remember me.

anyway, okay so jonathan. we traded very, very long emails for a little bit. usually with other people, the emails get shorter and shorter and you run out of things to say. so i love that we're able to write these prolific emails to each other. so we finally met for dim sum this past sunday. i debated meeting him because i wasn't sure we would get along because our backgrounds are so different. and plus, he's 39, which kind of intimidated me. but i went with it. and again, another great date. not as good as the ian date or the eric date, but it was still a pretty good date. again, i felt very comfortable with him. there were a couple of times where i got nervous and awkward and rambled or drank tea to fill the space. he's a very young 39. and so much cuter in person! the pictures do not do him justice. he looks much older in his pictures. and surprisingly hilarious! which doesn't come across in his emails but i think it's because the topics we talk about somehow don't allow him to express humor. and it's his personality and tone of voice and facial expressions that make him funny. and he's fucking rich! eric likes jonathan better and thinks he's better suited to me but i think that's only because jonathan is a scientist. so if we started dating, eric would want to meet him only to talk about science stuff with him.

so problems with jonathan... well first thing, i don't like his name much. i mean it's a minor thing and doesn't really matter but just thought i'd list all the little problems. i had trouble reading him. i couldn't tell if he liked me or was interested in me. were we meeting as friends or a date? is he attracted to me? i haven't really talked to him since then. i emailed him right after to thank him for lunch, but that's about it. i get kind of a friend vibe from him. well overall. and the way he said we should hang out again. and in our previous emails, we talk about relationships and people we're seeing in a friend way. as if i'm talking to one of my girl friends. and opposite from ian, jonathan is looking for a serious relationship and to settle down and all that. which i have no problem with. i'm a lot younger than him but i'm open to the idea of possibly settling down within the next couple of years. i don't know. it's too early to tell. we've had one date. i don't know if he'll actually call or if he doesn't, should i email him? i just hate calling people.

so that's my love life.

as for work. oy. i have to work 6 days next week. it is the YUCK! i took a second job subbing. but there's only one month of school left so i'll only have to deal with it for a month. plus, i need the distraction. after these boys, i think i'm going to just forget about boys and become a lesbian. they seem to have more fun.

(1 person is warm & toastypeople are warm & toastyLet's snuggle!)

Date:2008-05-06 21:07
Subject:i don't even know you and you're making me feel like i have to break up with you.
Mood: stressed

omg omg. They're bringing back The Mole. ah!! i'm gonna try to figure out who it is within the first 3 episodes.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-04-25 19:07
Subject:Mash Game: Predict Your Future at eSPIN-the-Bottle

Behold... My Future
  I will marry Ian.  
  After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in London in our fabulous Apartment.  
  We will have 12 kid(s) together.  
  Our family will zoom around in a Red SUV.
  I will spend my days as a Writer, and live happily ever after.  
whats your future

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-04-08 01:58
Subject:i smelt it! i can smell!
Mood: depressed

Right now I am wishing i never found out what sex was. well i wish i never found out what great sex was. okay i wish i never found out what short term great sex was. because by 6 months, i'm over it. but in the beginning it's like friggin crack to me.

bah... so much to do. so little time. need to catch up on emails and stuff then i can post all the thousand things that have been on my mind.

and damn! peter and stephanie broke up! wtf. but more on that later.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-03-10 13:34
Subject:like a long agonizing death.
Mood: blah

so found something interesting today.

out of boredom, someone had posted a definition of the phrase lorem ipsum on their blog as follows:

Lorem ipsum - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorem_ipsum

Cicero's original text: "…neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?"

H. Rackham's 1914 translation: "Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?"

And if lorem ipsum sounds familiar to you, it's because it's shown as an example on Microsoft office programs. Like Powerpoint and Excel. And i've always wondered what that was. And now that I know, it's still as if i don't know what it means. Why in the world has Microsoft chosen to use lorem ipsum on all examples? Out of all the things they could have used. I mean it has the word trivial example in the translation, but still. Just found this interesting.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-03-07 15:37
Mood: energetic

god it's amazing how invigorating sex is. i think before i take on a huge task or have to go to work, i should have sex before. it energizes me more than an energy drink or energy bar or coffee ever will. well i think provided it was good sex. i should change that.

it's amazing how invigorating good sex is.

i hope all my sexcapades are like this. probably not. but i hope.

only bad thing is i keep thinking about it and then i get really horny. dammit.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-02-26 18:11
Subject:i can be anything you would like
Mood: energetic




hate this hate this hate this.

i really hate to be the type of girl who waits by the phone, but i have such an addictive personality that once i get on something, i focus only on that.

so this guy asked for my number/asked me out yesterday. i had a meeting at work yesterday and afterwards i got in line to check out this movie and i saw this guy who comes into the store occasionally and is always teasing me and smiling and just being friendly. and he's very cute. and i start to see him less and less. well, he was standing in front of the blu-ray kiosk near the line and I pretended not to see him because i hate being the first to notice the other person and he saw me and said hi. i didn't think he would recognize me because i'm usually in uniform but he did and i happened to look cute. we talked for a little bit. he mentioned his son that he was with and didn't know about for 2 months and i commented, how interesting, you should tell me that story some time. and he said, how about lunch? and i was like, okay. like totally casually. then he asked for my number. and in my head i screamed, I KNEW IT! i knew he wasn't just being friendly all those other times. it's hard to tell with these customers sometimes. anyway, so i told him that i was off at 5 today and he hasn't called.

so i'm kind of freaking out. i know i shouldn't be. it's ridiculous. but i can't help it. the day before i was thinking of drowning myself. and after this happened, i was so ecstatic. such an ego boost. and i feel like i'm on a high. i haven't been in this good of a mood since.. well like a year. or two.

i felt awkward saying goodbye and it's kind of a blur. i have no idea what i said. or what he said. i mean he didn't say he was gonna call, he just asked me what i was doing tomorrow. which i take it to be that he's going to call me to do something. i hope nothing happened. i hope nothing came up and now he's like horribly busy. i hope he doesn't pull the wait 3 days crap. i hope he didn't lose my number. i hope he didn't write the number down wrong. i hope I didn't give him the wrong number. i was kind of distracted because lynette was asking for help at the same time i was giving him the number. i was so excited when i got off work.

i hate this. i hate being like this. i can't last 3 days. i can't even go a day without checking my email. i'm going to be doing that very ridiculous thing where you carry your phone with you everywhere you go, even if it's the next room. and checking to make sure the phone works. and i kind of wanted to do something tonight and get out of the house. i don't know when i should eat dinner because what if he calls to go eat or something. and i kind of wanted to go to the park in a little bit. bleh.

see. this is why i hate this. i don't get asked out often so when i do, it's like a huge deal. and i've never been on a traditional date like this. like the whole asking for the number and going out ordeal. well except for one guy. all of the other guys i've been with i either knew them as a friend before dating or on the internet. which doesn't count in my book.

fuck this. i just need to forget about him or get in the mindset that he won't call and then maybe he'll call when i'm not expecting.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-02-21 01:56
Subject:sweet lime.
Mood: frustrated

so apparently guys don't see me as the chick they'd like to ask out or bang. they seem to see me as the chick to go to for advice on what to do about this chick they like or complain about how much they need to get laid.

it's never, hey jeni, i wanted to ask you if you'd be interested in having dinner with me tonight.

it's always, hey jeni, i wanted to ask you your advice about what to do about this girl who wants to have sex with me.


hey jeni, i have a date with a girl tonight, which chick flick do you think would be good to rent?

i mean i love that people value my opinion and think i'm a fountain of wisdom but for once i'd like to be pleasantly surprised. like that one time when a neighbor came over and we ended up making out. of course that was the last time i saw him and have no idea what happened to him.

but anyway.

i'm just gonna shut up about boys. they need to stop being the focal point of things that are unimportant right now. especially since my libido has started to die down. i think the fact that things aren't working out is a sign that I need to focus on more important things. like moving on with my life and getting a real job and moving out and living somewhere new and having more life experiences.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-02-14 12:51
Subject:Lost & Found.
Mood: frustrated


you know when you don't know that something's lost until you need it and can't find it. that especially happens to me when it comes to cd's and movies. because i have so many, i don't notice it's missing until i feel like seeing or listening to it. well we've been playing music that we sell in the store and one of the songs is sarah maclachlan's building a mystery. and i thought, man i need to listen to that cd when i get home. and i thought it would be easy to find because i remember seeing it like 2 weeks ago when i was looking for another cd. so i go through all my stuff and did not find it. and i am perplexed because i remember seeing it but now maybe i thought i saw it because a lots of cd's have a black cover.

and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i remember that i have an old, black cd binder. and i say to myself, 'oh yeahhhh. that old black cd binder.' and then, 'oh shit, where is that thing?' you know how you're looking for something and you have an image or a feeling in your mind where you last saw it. like you can just picture it in that spot that you think you left it. yeah, i didn't get that feeling at all. i have no idea where that thing is. no clue. i haven't seen it in forever. i don't even remember packing it when i moved out of the condo. i don't remember seeing it anywhere. i don't even know if it's even in the house. i figured that i would be with all the other cds. it could be anywhere. i'm going to look in the garage later. i wonder if my dad saw it and took it. he never lets me know when he's going to borrow something.

grrr. so frustrating.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-02-07 02:41
Subject:when we make fuck
Mood: hungry

i'm getting increasingly frustrated. and pmsing doesn't help.

all of these idiots keep wanting to "chat" with me. and then they'll ask what i wanna talk about after i say yes. like you're the one who fucking imed me. i'm just obliging you because i have nothing better to do. i'm not gonna fucking hold up the conversation when you're the one who wants to chat with me. and then if i don't reply within 5 seconds they freak out. did i offend you? why did you get quiet? and i've clearly stated in the beginning of the conversation that i'm watching a movie. i'm a casual kind of chatter. i can't sit in front of the computer just staring at the chat window. i have to be doing something while chatting and usually it's a movie. fucking drives me nuts. it also drives me nuts when a guy hasn't completely filled out his profile or he has and it's very sparse and then they expect me to be interested and wanna get to know them. i understand some people have a hard time talking about themselves so i'll chat with anyone who asks and give them a chance but so far all of them have turned out be really boring.

and the qualities they look for are also so fucking boring i wanna cry. affectionate, sweet, lovable, caring. vomit vomit vomit. everyone is looking for that. and everyone has those qualities in their own way. people basically need to put, someone who won't hit me. sweet and caring doesn't make a relationship. they can be sweet and caring but completely uninteresting. it really gets me when someone puts nice as a quality they're looking for. okay, who's looking for someone who's mean? like really. this one guy had a really boring profile and he wanted to be a screenwriter/director. seriously? seriously. seriously? you wanna make films? nothing in your profile communicated anything unique to me. you stated where you went to school and that you like films. yeah. when i asked him about his boring profile, he said, yeah, i'm a low key guy. uh what the fuck? seriously. i doubt your skills when you have zero creativity in your profile.

i hate this. i hate you hormones.

i've gone back to hating justin. instead of being extremely turned on by his new red, mohawk hair, and sweet sweet cologne, i have come to hate them. i really hate him. and it's hard to hate him when he expects me to engage in conversation. i hate faking it because really faking is the real thing. there's no way to fake a conversation. it's not like when i fake with customers in pretending to be interested by their opinion. he's actually kind of an asshole. i didn't see it before cause i had such a huge crush on him but now i see his assholery ways disguised as sarcasm. Sarcasm that i would ignore.

i'm sick of being nice. i usually don't think this ill of people but my frustrations are mounting, which causes me to hate everyone.

oh also, lately, i've noticed that i haven't been able to concentrate lately. it's really weird. i don't know what's wrong. maybe part of it is sex has taken over my brain that all i see is red. usually when managers give me a series of tasks, i'm able to get it the first time easily. but now i have to have them repeat and explain what they need me to do like 3 or 4 times. it's sick. it's like a fog on my brain. and then today, i gave someone the wrong change like a moron. i can pick up things easily but lately i've been slow. it's really weird. it's like my brain is trying so hard to make sense of things and then it just farts in the middle.

it's almost 4 am. what the fuck happened?

(1 person is warm & toastypeople are warm & toastyLet's snuggle!)

Date:2008-02-04 14:08
Mood: weird

okay so i was going to post these ponderings i've had for the last few days but jason just called to go to lunch. i don't really wanna go because i was hoping to get things done. like find a job. gah. i know i'm horrible. i can't complain about my life when i'm not doing anything to fix it. anyway. so i'm going to go to lunch with him because i know how it feels to wanna go out to eat and have no one to go with. but i just wanted to post just how weird this day feels. i don't know if it's the weather or what. but when i woke up this morning, i had a really weird feeling. i think it's the weather. it's sticky and humid and makes me think of lonely days at my condo. this day just feels peculiar. i dont know. hard to describe. it's like nothing's wrong but something's not quite right. ooh that's a lyrics from a hanson song. bleh gotta go get dressed or something.

(Let's snuggle!)

Date:2008-01-24 01:46
Subject:everything has to be easier.
Mood: thirsty

oh. fuck. i totally fucked. up. maybe it's not as bad as i think it is. maybe he won't even notice. man i hope he doesn't notice. fuck. i hope this changes nothing. this is really quite frustrating. this is not the way i planned it. i wanted him to find out thinking that i didn't know anything and now it will be awkward because then i'll wonder if he did see it and if he did, he may be waiting until i say something. or maybe i'm making a big deal of nothing. i don't even know why i'm focusing on this so much. i feel like i'm regressing. sinking into bitterness once again.

(Let's snuggle!)

my journal